Unhappy with Yourself?

Why is it that when we are unhappy with the way things are going in our own lives we try to make a mess out of other people's lives too? I got home yesterday and my husband was in a very somber mood. I asked him how his day was and he said it sucked. I asked what happened and he told me that evidently the money issue was more of a problem for him than he thought it would be. My take on the subject......

He feels inadequate and doesn't know how to deal with it so he tries to make me feel inadequate also. I don't need anyone pointing fingers at me, I deal with my own crap in my own time. I had to carry the weight of the secret of the debt on my shoulders by myself for months. The secret was tearing me up and I was getting angry and doing to him what he is now doing to me. Now that it is out in the open I feel much better, but he is miserable knowing there is nothing he can do about it. Why? Because he doesn't have a job and every day that goes by that he doesn't have a job he just gets that much more miserable. There is a cure. Get out there and get a job. Then we won't have to worry about charging groceries or necessities and running up the debt. Yes everything I charged was not groceries or necessities, but for once in my life I didn't have to answer to anybody and I was trying my best to buy my happiness. Well, guess what! Didn't work, did it. I realize now what a mistake it was to do what I did. I am living with the consequences and dealing with it the best I can. I can't snap my fingers and come up with that much money, just like he can't.

I'm much happier with myself now that I'm not bearing the burden of the dreaded "secret" by myself. Whew, what a relief.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch....

I finally broke down and told my husband how much money I owe the credit card companies. YIKES! That's a very scary thing to do for me. He is money obsessed, whether he wants to admit it or not. Then the questions started. What do you have to show for it? What did you buy? How are WE going to pay for that? Well, in my wee little mind it's already worked out. It will get paid for, just not in his 2 month time frame that he wants it taken care of in. (Too many prepositions there, but you know what I mean) Money is the absolute worst fight anyone can ever have. I'm the one with the job, I'll get it paid eventually, right? God I hope so. Credit card companies love me. Took all of the credit cards out of my purse yesterday. It was very cleansing. Why do I let them define me anyway? Is it the freedom to get for myself what no one else will get for me? Is it the power that I feel whipping that little piece of plastic out and doing the "CHARGE" song so commonly heard at sporting events? I don't know. But what I do know is that I can't be trusted with those dang things. Keep them away from me, it's just too easy.

The Day Before Thanksgiving

I'm making a list of the things that I am grateful for:

1. family's health (physical)
2. my family all 250 of 'em (I'm from Texas)
3. my home
4. my job
5. my ability to have fun in spite of the stressful life that I have
6. my friends that help me have that fun (Jose Cuervo and Bacardi) {just jokin' guys}
7. my freedom-because I am an American

Okay, there's not a lot that I can think of off the top of my head, but I do have a lot to be thankful for. I have to work hard at things like this because I have a pessimistic attitude. Working on that. Got a lot of things to work on. I'll put that on my list of character defects.

What my Birthday Means

Your Birthdate: January 31

You're a pretty traditional person. If it's lasted, it's probably good.You seek stability - both in your career and your romantic relationship.In return, you're very loyal and predictable. Which is usually a good thing.Without a partner, you feel lost. Being with someone is very important to you.
Your strength: Your dependability
Your weakness: You hate being alone
Your power color: Midnight blue
Your power symbol: Shell
Your power month: April

Find out what yours means here:
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About My Weekend

This weekend was fun. I didn't have the action packed weekend like last weekend, but still it was fun. I went to a karaoke bar and embarrassed the heck out of myself crooning on the stage and completely screwing up 1 song that I thought I knew till the words came up on the screen. I seriously need to listen to that song some more. Saturday I swept, mopped, vaccuumed, did laundry and got my house all clean and smelling good (completely unassisted). After that chore was completed, I went out for a little fun. I took the 4 year old and one of my friends to eat lunch and then we looked at model homes. Not that I'm looking to buy, it's just one of those things that I like to do and it's cheap. After looking at I couldn't tell you how many beautiful homes ranging from 200K to 700K, we went to Starbucks. Little sidetrack on the way to a mattress store, bought a new mattress set for the 4 year old, because she has outgrown her toddler bed. Got in trouble for that one, but you know what. I don't care, because I'm doing the best I can to provide the things that my family needs. And if something as simple as that gives me pleasure, then what the hell is wrong with it? That's not a Christmas gift kind of thing, now is it? She was so happy to get a big girl bed. Her big sister had a sleepover in her room last night and for the first time didn't have to sleep on the floor for that to happen. Little bit of happiness in the home, even if 1 isn't happy. That's still 75% that is.

Found a Counselor.....

that may understand my frustration. He (husband) started the session with the normal, she's controlling and manipulative and wants things her way. When I finally got to talk I pointed out that I was the sole supporter of the household and still have to "manage" the household too. The counselor said, out loud even, that I have every right to be pissed off at the world. The fact that I am the sole supporter should warrant that I have less to do around the house instead of just as much if not more than my partner that stays home. Made sense to me. What do you think?

CAUTION!!! PMS ZONE

I can sense something just isn't right. I'm very grumpy and mad at the world and haven't had any run-ins with anyone today. Of course, no one is here. This is the time when I would rather kill people than deal with them. And when I have to deal with them I cry if I'm mean. It's an endless circle. Me = mean=cry baby. I can't describe just how ugly I can get. This is when I hurt people (emotionally) that I am closest to. I try to get them to stay away and leave me alone, but that's like an all clear for pushing my buttons. I am extremely vulnerable at this time and most people just don't understand that. I've been put on several different medications to alleviate the symptoms, but they don't work or they make the symptoms worse. To all who read this today: I am begging you, pleading with you, please be nice. This doesn't mean to walk on egg shells and kiss my bootie. I am very opinionated, especially right now, so please, NO CONTROVERSIAL TOPICS. Let's just say I'm extremely passionate about ANY cause right now, especially mine.

Frustration Anyone

My 4 year old surely knows how to work a nerve. How many different ways can you ask a question? She'll figure it out for you. I was asked the same 3 questions in a variation of manners yesterday, to which the answers were NO! everytime.

Question No. 1: Can I have a snack?
variation: Can I have and peanut butter jelly sandwich?
2nd variation: What can I get small to eat?
many other variations, the child is a bottomless pit. If she had the ability to do it all herself, she wouldn't fit through my door.

Question No. 2: Can I go over to Madison's house today?
variation: Is Madison home yet?
2nd variation: Mom, Madison is riding the tractor outside, can I go ride with her?
Getting the drift yet?

Question No. 3: Can we go to the park today mom?
variation: When can we go to the park today?
2nd variation: The park hasn't moved, have we?

ARGH!! Who would have thought that such a wee little person could cause SO much stress. At the end of the night, I couldn't be around either of my children. I don't want to be alone with either of them at this point, but hunting will prevail over them, or me. Why should any of that change? I wanted to run away forever and never come back. I retreated to the bathroom for some alone time in a sea of Calgon. The tub hadn't even finished filling before there was a knock on the door. I simply screamed "NO!!!!!" We have 2 bathrooms, why do they think they have to come to the one that I am in. I'm dang sure not bathing in the other bathroom, because the sanitation department would condemn it if they came to the house. I believe the husband does not clean it particularly for that reason. If he does, someone may want to utilize it. I have absolutely nothing sacred in my life. I can't even pee by myself. Heaven forbid if I lock the door, someone is going to bang on it continuously until I scream, "GO AWAY!" I tried to cook for the second time this week yesterday, scalded my hand with the wretched pig juice. I think I have lost my touch. The last 2 meals I have cooked sucked and I injured myself both times. Of course, if I want my family to enjoy a nutritious meal, I must be the one to cook it. Meaning, I have to endure more pain and injuries. Oh, how I hate my life.

I'm feeling particularly sad today

I don't know why. I feel as if it's me against the world. The great big huge world vs. little ol' me. A speck of sand on the beach of life. I had a pretty good night last night. Ate dinner with some friends some gentlemen at the bar bought us all a drink. I would like to specify gentlemen. They did come over and introduce themselves and we thanked them and then they left us alone. Wow! I'm used to the ones that think if they buy you a drink they are entitled to do whatever they want. Chivalry is still alive in the South, at least with the older crowd. It was nice.

Anyhoooo, a friend of mine is in dire need of some assistance. I want so badly to reach out and help, but don't have the ability to do so at this time. I've done it in the past, and feel as though I was slapped in the face. I grieve for my friend. I know that this person is having a really hard time. Been through many hard times with my friend, but that's what friends are for. Right? So why do I feel so shitty for not reaching out and helping this person. Is it because I would have to suffer to do it? Is it because I would still feel like I wasn't appreciated? Is it because I don't feel that this would teach my friend the lesson that so many people have to learn the hard way? Decisions, decisions, decisions! Many times in the past, with several different people I have helped when I didn't really have the means to help. But I did it, and ended up suffering. Financially, emotionally and in some instances, even physically. Ended friendships over the resentments. I just don't know what to do here.

The Women in my Family

We have a knack for shooting. Not necessarily living things, unless the times call for such. But some of the first lines I can remember is telling my father to shoot the dog that knocked me off the porch. He did!

The next shooting I can remember is back in the days of sun worshipping with baby oil. I was about 5 at the time and a wielded a Red Ryder B.B. Gun. One of the neighbors called me a baby. Hmmmph! I lived in the country, still do, and the houses weren't so close you could pass toilet paper to a neighbor in need through an open window. My neighbors house was a good 75 yards away. I grabbed my gun. Cocked it, turned off the safety, aimed and pulled the trigger. A few seconds go by and Neicy starts screaming. OWWWW!!! She shot me. That little turd actually shot me. A few seconds later, I was screaming from the belt that my father wielded. Lesson learned, never point a gun at a person!

The third one I can remember is a call in the middle of the night from my paternal grandmother. "Tell your daddy to get his butt over here, now." This was several years after my grandfather had passed away. After my father returned home with his sawed off 4/10 we asked what had happened. Someone was after memaw's chickens and she blindly shot into the dark and got the bandit. It was not a fatal wound, but the theif was caught, red bellied. The police followed the blood trail to the outlaws whereabouts and cuffed him up. Nothing happened to my grandmother, because in Texas, after dark, you can do whatever it takes to protect your property. The only thing that was said was "Put that gun away and say you used something else."

The neighborhood where my parents live is full of dogs that are not contained in any fashion. No fence, no leash, no chain, nothing. They are in very poor health, the majority of them have mange and many other canine diseases. My husband and I were up there with our children several years ago and my sister's oldest child comes running in the house. Grabs a Benjamin pellet rifle by the back door and heads back out the door. All the adults start running towards the door questioning what's going on. One of the neighbors has a pit bull that is running loose and my neice was getting ready to take care of it.

So you see, it's not just a cruel past time. With us, it's hereditary. Welcome to Redneckville.

As Amy's World Turns.....

I think I need to change the name of my blog to Amy's Rantings, Creator of Her Own Drama. I'm so tired of living in the soap opera world. Always some type of drama going on. The latest drama is.... a friend's husband keeps tapping into all of the friend's friend's cell phones. He knows who talks to who and how long they talk. He thought he had caught me cheating on my husband with someone before he actually knew what my phone number was. And now, he has it. He has probably cracked into my account by now and knows every time I call someone. Thing is, I pretty much only use my phone to call my husband and let him know about what time I'll be home so he can go run and do whatever in the evening (fishing, hunting, playing poker, .... __________ fill in the blank). After doing God only knows what all day long, because Lord knows I'm not allowed to ask. That would be making him accountable for his day, and we can't have that now can we. Okay, ADD kicking in. Back to friend's husband. He is a sick, obsessive man. I don't mean sick as in demented, I mean sick as in can't control himself. He wants to know what she is doing constantly, even when she's at work. He text messages her, emails her and calls her almost constantly. I know I have a pretty sick relationship, but sheesh, this is Sleeping with the Enemy kind of sick.

My Baby's Growing Up

I've been longing for the day when my 4 year old didn't have to be at my side every moment of the day. When we got home yesterday, she went into the kitchen, grabbed the stool and pulled a cup out of the cabinet and filled it to the top with milk. She played in her room practically all night and drew castles and colored them. I congratulated her on being such a big girl and playing all by herself. I'm very proud of this accomplishment. It means a little more freedom for mom. I love my children, but them growing up is inevitable. My oldest was never a clingy child. I don't know if that's because she was an only child for 5 1/2 years, or if that's just her personality. She spends a lot of time reading in her room. We had the dish network ripped out 2 days ago, so there's a lot less television to watch and a lot more free time. I didn't watch a lot of the "extra channels. I'm a prime time kinda girl anyway, but that little one is having some major withdrawls. I didn't realize how much television she watched. At least this way I have a little more control over what goes into their little minds. My oldest was asking questions like "What's a sexually transmitted disease?" when she was in 1st grade. Yikes! I asked her where she heard about it and she said on Nickelodeon. WHAT? What are they putting on the kid channels now days?

"THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER"...

My youngest screams from the back seat on Halloween. "THIS SUCKS!" Not that I approve of a 4 year old saying "This sucks!" But, I really can't blame her. The fall festival was cancelled due to the rain, it's pouring so hard we can't even get out of the car to "trick-or-treat", the dish-network was cancelled, by our choice. Now not only do we not get to do typical halloweenie things, but we can't even watch any of the cute little halloween programs on television. Oh well, we watch too much t.v. anyway. I told her that if this is the worst thing that ever happens to her in her life, she'll have a good one (life that is). I do feel for them though. They wait all year long to dress up in their cute little costumes and then it's spoiled by a torrential downpour. Definitely rained on their parade. Poor pitiful pouting children.