Apologies

To anyone reading this post, I am not my normal self lately and I am sorry. This divorce thing is killing me. I want so badly to be and feel loved the way I deserve by the man that I married 12 1/2 years ago. I want so badly to be in love with that same person. The thing is I am way too far into this thing to back out now. I am stubborn, hard headed and proud. There is no way I could tell my daddy that I was taking him back after showing no concern for his children the way he did and leaving me with only $300.00 in the bank while he was throwing $10,000.00 away on God only knows what. He used to be my Mr. Wonderful. Now he's my Mr. Migraine. If only he would show me he was trying to do better by getting a job and treating me better, I would probably take him back if he asked. There would be lots of counseling sessions to go to, I'm sure. I'm not willing to give up my parents and my sister for someone that wouldn't give our relationship the work it needed though.

WHY?

do I STILL feel like I'm dying when I think of how it used to be? We were unpacking things yesterday and I came across the letters that we (my soon to be ex-husband and I) wrote to each other when he was in basic training for the Air Force. Oh my God how things have changed. I would rush home hoping I would just get letters that he had written and touched the paper. I was obsessed and so much in love with him at that time. And again, when Cassidy was born and he did the things a husband/man/father should do. He would kiss me on the forehead before he left and tell me he loved me and then pass Cassidy to me. When he got home he would kiss me, change clothes and come get the baby and play with her while I took a shower and prepared supper. If she would get cranky while I was cooking, he would take over so I could feed her. What the hell happened to that man. The one I loved. Will someone please help me? Anybody, any entity, I don't care but please take this pain away.

"Lady, I don't have time for this...

I'm under preparations for a hurricane right now!" Was the statement to the telemarketer at approximately 8:30 p.m. last night. My daddy, that's right daddy (yes I'm 33 years old and still call my father daddy) made a trip to Danbury last night to board up my house. We did the best we could to help, but between phone calls and people stopping by, I don't feel as though I did much to help. We were TIRED when it was all done. After we boarded up the house, I heated up supper and then loaded all the "important stuff" in daddy's truck. Things like irreplaceable pictures, important paperwork, the kids clothes, the animals and most importantly, the children. Daughter #1 asked what it was going to be like when we got back and my daddy told her to take a good look before they left, because it wasn't going to look like this when they got back. Then, both of the kids started freaking out! I told them that even though I love this house and the town where we live, the most important thing in the world to me was their safety. They hugged me tight and gave me 50 kisses and cried as they were pulling out of the driveway. I told them I would see them tonight. That put their minds at ease, I hope. I talked to my daddy this morning and could hear Daughter # 2 whistling like crazy, scaring th hummingbirds away from the feeders on the back porch.

God,
Thank you for my family and their safe keeping. They are in your hands.
Amen

Trying so hard to be nice,...

but I promise you in times like these it is not easy. I had to spend over $800 unexpectedly last week to get repair work done on the septic system (all together now...ewwww). Well, when it all started he told me that because the repair work had needed to be done for quite some time he would pay half. Well, now he's saying he won't. I got paid last Thursday and spent over $800.00 to have something done that he could have probably had taken care of while he was still living there himself, but was unwilling to do. Okay, that's bad on me. I took him for his word. My advice, never take someone on their word when you are divorcing them. Now I only have about $400.00 to last me until payday (on the 30th). Hopefully no more unexpected bills come up between now and then. Looks like red beans and rice for dinner for 2 weeks. And he says he has a clean conscience. Must be all the money he spent on himself over the past 3 weeks helping it stay that way. Wanna know just how much? Well, I'll tell you. I filed for divorce on the 29th of August. He withdrew $10,000.00. No, that's not too many zeros. That's right $10,000.00. Have I mentioned the fact that since June 11, 2003, he only worked for 8 months. That's including filling in for people on vacation at the P.D. Could he have possibly helped with the bills? No. Could he have possibly painted the house? No. Could he have possibly replaced the siding on the house? No. Could he possibly eat the groceries that I paid for? Yes. Run up the electric bill? Yes. Help out by cooking on a regular basis so that I didn't have to worry about that on my way home from working for 12 hours? No. Watch endless hours of the Outdoor Channel and play X-Box until I get home from work? Yes. Be completely unappreciative of me providing for the family and being under so much stress that I end up in a mental hospital? Yes. But he has a clear conscience.......It's hard for it to not be a clear conscience when you don't have one!!!!

Update on Hillbilly Lane

Last night my friend Meghan came over to the house and ate dinner with us. I've been dying to get the back patio cleaned off for quite some time. Okay, first a little background.....

When I had my first daughter I decided I would be the only person in the world that could feed her, if you get my drift.... so in the beginning, she would wake up and since I wasn't allowed to bring her into the bed with me, I would walk to the living room, sit on the couch and nurse her, then walk her back to her room 30 minutes later and by the time I would get back into bed, I couldn't go to sleep until about 10 minutes before it was time for her to eat again. Well, when my father-in-law came to visit to see his granddaughter for the first time, he asked my husband if we needed anything. Jason told him a chair for the babies room would be good, but it couldn't be a rocker because he didn't want her becoming accustomed to being rocked to sleep. Anyway, he bought this beautiful blue recliner, which had to be oversized because my butt was huge. I became terribly depressed when I would sit down in one and the sides of my butt would rub.... back to the point of the story, I'm rambling.......

Last night the 9 1/2 year old chair, which has seen it's better days, was tossed into the trash. After living through breastfeeding 2 children and being the dog bed for a labrador/I don't know mix, it was definitely time for it to go. It was quite nice to have a recliner on the back patio until the dog discovered how comfortable it was. Tonight, I'm bleaching the back patio. This weekend I am replacing the trim on the back of my house, around the windows and rebuilding the "pump house". But for the most part, I feel pretty dang good about my accomplishments. It took me until today to figure out how to "rebuild the pump house". Pretty proud of that too. It's actually a pretty simple idea. Remove old siding (T111), hopefully in one piece. Place old piece on top of new piece. Trace with a pencil. Cut out. Put in place and nail. Duh!!!! It took a while to figure it out, I may be slow in the processing field, but at least i get it done.

THIS SUCKS!!!

Divorce is so very hard and anyone who says otherwise is full of poop! We are only a week and a half into this. The attorneys are trying to turn this into a battle so that they can make more money and that's not what either one of us wants. I spoke to his father last night and told him I have no intention of keeping the girls away from him and he is welcome to come visit or take them somewhere for a visit if he would prefer. His oldest sons first wife hardly lets us see the kids. This summer I saw Jake for the first time in 1 1/2 years and Kasee for the first time in 3 years. I don't want that for my kids. I grew up with family all around me. Christmas and Thanksgiving were spent at both my mother's mother's (Nanny's) house and my father's mother's (Memaw's) house. We would generally go to Nanny's house first, eat, open presents, say our good-byes to the entire brigade (huge family) and then go to memaw's house and repeat the procedure (EVEN HUGER FAMILY {is huger a word?}). Everyone was ALWAYS good for naps. With all that food in our tummies, we couldn't do anything but sleep. Kind of off the subject there, but that's the kind of family I wanted my children to grow up in. Anyway, family is very important to me, always has been and always will be. Even though I may be ending my marriage with my now husband, he is still a part of my family, whether anyone else likes it or not. The only way that will change is if someone no longer exists, meaning me or him and I don't want either of those things to happen. This is hard enough on my children. I was offered a job at a company 5 hours or so away from my present place of residency. My children are torn. Daughter #1 doesn't want to go. Daughter #2 does. Daughter #2 thinks mommy is going to drive her to the normal daycare every morning and then go to work, then drive back. Hmmm. Did I mention Daughter # 2 is only 4, has no concept of time, or that there are not enough hours in the day for 20 hours of driving, 8 hours of working (away from the home), 4 hours working at the home, and still be able to spend time with them and myself. Did I mention just how busy I have been? I haven't been able to sit down and enjoy my kids in weeks. I get home, start the washing machine, start supper, check homework, eat supper, put clothes in washer in dryer, go to ball practice, come back put kids in tub, clean up kitchen, put another load of clothes in the washer, fold clothes in dryer, get kids out of tub, get them in bed, put clothes in dryer, get in shower, make any necessary phone calls consisting of "Hi mom, I'm fine, really busy, gotta go, love you." And turn on the T.V. to fall asleep to at about 10:15. Wake up at 5:00 and go again. All that and he couldn't bathe the kids and wash their clothes before returning them. Hmmmm. Time management skills seminars work and quite well. But let me tell you, if someone throws a glitch in the scheduling when it's down to the wire like that, it can put you in quite a foul mood. 6 hours and 45 minutes is enough sleep right?

1st Weekend Alone in YEARS!!!

This past weekend was the beginning of the "visitation weekends". I thought I would be nice and send the clean children with clean clothes and everything they could possibly need for the weekend. It was quite calming around my house. I stayed pretty busy cleaning, mowing, bathing the dog. Shopping in Gruene, Texas with friends. Shopping in Pearland, Texas with friends. Trying to keep my mind off of everything that is going on in my life. I'm not going to hide the fact that I feel like a part of me is dying with every single day that goes by and I guess in a way it is. Regardless of how much you wish you could be alone, it sure does hurt to the bone when you finally get that wish. To top it all off, the first weekend was an extended weekend. Pretty rough! When the kids finally returned home, daughter # 2's clothes did not go together and her hair was GLUED to her forehead with what soon to be ex-husband claims is sunscreen. Glad to know he thought to put it on her, though. And every clothing item was returned to me dirty. I informed him that if this was going to be the case every weekend that they were with him he had better go shopping for clothes, shoes, tooth brushes, underwear and everything that the children would need for their weekends with Daddy. He apologized and said someone else had interfered with his plans to do all of these things. Responsibility sucks, huh?

Your Papers are Served

He finally got served last night. His high paid attorney couldn't do anything until he had been served. I told him if he would stay in one place, it probably would have happened by now. Well, last night it did happen. The process server called me at my request and with husbands permission I gave him the phone number of the soon to be ex-spouse. They met in a mutually agreed upon place and he signed for them. One day, this man is going to learn that procrastination doesn't pay. I've already explained what an enabler I am. I was kind enough to remove his boat from the house Saturday and place most of his personal belongings in it. I then removed myself and the children from the home to await his arrival. Didn't figure that would be healthy for the children, even though it would feel good to me. We agreed he still had some things to get from the house and that he could pick them up at his convenience. Not the case anymore! Boys and girls, we have a restraining order! Now he can only come to the house to pick up the children for visitation. I'm not sure when I'll be able to get his crap out of my house now. I don't want to put the computer in the garage, the humidity down here is horrible and will probably ruin it. I don't want to be destructive in any way. I want this to be as civil as a divorce can be. After all, we have children together and are stuck to each other to a certain extent until death just like the dang vows said. 'Til death do us part. In a way I am breaking that vow, but he broke his vow to love, honor and cherish long before. I won't get into the gory details, let's just say, I will probably never be the same again. Always gonna love him, but I don't have to like him. I will be praying about that.