THE WEEKEND!

A couple of days, isn't a very long time.....Anyone who knows anything about Steve Wariner, would know what I'm talking about! I reminisce about days gone by quite frequently, dream and wonder what life would have been like if I had taken that road, instead of the one that I'm on. There are a lot of things that I wouldn't change, like my 2 smart, beautiful little girls. I couldn't imagine my life without them. Isn't it odd how you can't remember how care free your life was before children once you have them. I remember things like pasture parties, weekend jaunts to the river or camping at a state park with a group of friends with cross-dressing boyfriends. Some that had pretty dang good legs and made me feel self conscious of mine. Bow-legged as they are. I sure wish I could find those pictures of guys in bikinis. Heck, I wish I could find one of me in a bikini back then. Long enough of a stroll down memory lane.....maybe next time.

FOCUS ON ME!!!

So, here's the deal. Before I had children, I never believed in PMS. After the birth of my 2nd child, mine is so severe I have mutilated relationships because someone says something that I take the wrong way. I make comments that are completely out of line and disrespectful. I am out for blood, be it anyones. I want someone else to hurt as much as I do. I have taken several medications for these symptoms the only one that seems to do any good is Xanax. My doctor gave me a trial run on this stuff and it actually worked for me, but now he will not refill it. I want to follow him around his office for one day that I'm PMSing and I'll bet he will give me whatever I desire to get me out of his butt! So, to those of you that are reading this that I have offended past or present, I am aware that this is happening and am doing my best to stay away from people that I may offend or hurt in some way. Please be patient, it will pass in a few days.

Counseling Session

Yes, believe it or not, I am aware that I am not perfect. I am a little nervous about the first counseling session that my husband and I are to attend tomorrow. You see, I am what is called an enabler. I do things to make other people's lives easier. I do these things because it is my nature. It gives me a good feeling, most of the time. After doing these things for a while I start feeling unappreciated and resentful that I am not getting anything in return. Say for instance, from my husband. It's kind of a martyr syndrome, I guess. I do things for him constantly, although they may not be specifically FOR HIM, it does make his life much easier. You see, he is unemployed, yet I still do the majority of the cooking. He's been back in the house for almost a month and I am trying to recall 1 single meal that he has cooked and I can't. He has gotten to where he will do what he calls "cleaning" the kitchen. Even though it is not the cleaning job that I would do, I should be grateful, right? Then why am I resentful? Why in my sick little brain should everyone do everything like I would do it? I've tried letting expectations go. I'm not as quick to point out every flaw that everyone makes. It's just not that easy to do. I am really a sick minded person. I know that I am and I work everyday to try to become a better person. I pray about it, meditate on it, ask myself what I can do to be better at being a person. I keep coming up with do things for them. This creates the circle of resentment that I don't know how to stop. It just keeps going and going and getting worse and growing.

Please Lord, help me. I know that you have the power to take this away. I can't handle it anymore, but you can handle everything. Please take it and don't let me have it back.

Character Defect or Just Plain Laziness?

I'm trying really hard to not point out other peoples flaws in this cruel world of ours. But I have a go get 'em attitude and hardly even sit down during the day. I awake at 5:15 get ready for work, drive 1 hour to get there and finally start my day. I am at work for at least 9 hours and drive another hour home. Seldom do I stop on my way to or from work because I feel there is so much to do at both places. Well, yesterday I did stop on my way home to take care of an errand so my children's hamster didn't have to live in "those" conditions any longer. While I was at Petsmart I picked up some catnip bubbles and a fuschia irridescent feathery mouse, my source of entertainment for about 15 minutes.

My husband had decided that he wanted to take the kids to the park for a picnic for supper. Ummmm, let's suffice it to say, I'm not a sandwich kind of person. It'll do in a pinch, but generally they disgust me. I recommended mexican food, my favorite. So we loaded up in the car and headed to the daycare to pick up the 4 year old. (already 12 hours into my day) On the way there one of my friends called in a pinch and asked if I could pick up her 4 year old too. Not a problem, I like to help people when needed. It makes me feel good. That's what friends are for, to help each other out. So now the 5 of us go out to eat.

On the way home, I call my friend back and ask her if she wants me to pick up her older child from another friends house and then I go pick her up too. She is the same age as my older child and she is very sweet. So both children now have someone to play with and I can possibly watch some uninterupted television. Wrong!

You see, my husband who has had 2 short term sources of income in the past 2 years and 4 months is filling out an application for employment for a law enforcement job. Nevermind that he has had this application for at least 2 weeks, but it is due today. Mad dash ensues, he's grumpy because he has, yet again, waited until the last minute to take care of stuff. You would think I would be used to this. I don't think I will ever be used to this. A law enforcement employment application is about 20 pages long, they want to know everyone you've ever known so they can call ALL of them and ask questions about you. They even want to know names and addresses of step-siblings. Not as if he hangs out with them, we don't even know their phone numbers. So, the question is character defect or just plain laziness? I'm not sure. Most of the time, he'll put off doing things until I just can't stand it anymore and then I take care of it. He says that procrastination is one of the things he dislikes most about himself, but never does anything different. I just don't get it. I can't see the light of day for being so dang busy all the time, but he can't see the work that needs to be done because he doesn't see the light of day. Meaning - the only time he leaves the house is when it is something that entertains him. Pig hunting, fishing..... He will mow, occasionally. Weedeating and edging regularly keeps you outside for too long, away from the t.v. and the internet. We have no flower bed because I don't have time to take care of it and he refuses to. At what point do you decide the only way this is going to get done is if I get started. That's what I wake up saying everymorning at 5:15 and I go to sleep around 10:30 saying, there is still so much more to be done. When will I get some relief? When will he see that his character defects have more of an affect on everyone around him than he thinks?

God, I need some help! Please give me some relief? Help is coming in the form of a counselor.

Pig Hunting Anyone?

Back to my normal self now....marriage resuming, now we have "rednecks in full swing". Thursday my husband took daughter #1 pig hunting. He came back all excited, "Matt's getting ready to cut the rice and there are pig tracks everywhere." I'm thinking "GREAT! Now we're going to guns and bullets instead of fishing poles and plastic worms for affection." So on Friday he purchased a deer feeder to place on the farm to attract the stupid creatures so he can ambush them. This is not my idea of hunting. Anyway, not only did I help him place the feeder, but I helped him chain it to the tree (not effectively). It's a barrell on legs and we wrapped a chain around the barrell. All anyone that really wanted it would have to do is take the legs off and it would have dropped right to the ground and they could have 1 deer feeder free of charge (minus the clear conscience). So, I made a suggestion. You see, the barrell is made out of plastic resin. So I suggested cutting slots in opposite sides of the barrell and running the chain through the barrell so that if someone wanted it, they would have to bring bolt cutters or ruin the thing to get it off the tree. My daddy is a genius when it comes to "fixin' things" without the proper equipment, and evidently, some of those genes were given to me. My husband told all of his friends how I diminished the chances of his feeder getting stolen. We hunted that night and heard several pigs, but never saw any. Saturday night we went and played pool (reprieve from pig hunting). Sunday, he went back and finally struck gold. He got a big sow that weighed around 160 pounds according to him. He called to tell me he couldn't move her by herself. I don't know if he expected me to come out there at 9 at night to help him or what, but I had to work the next day, so it wasn't happening. Instead he called a couple of friends to come help and in exchange took them hunting Monday night. I think 4 out of 5 days of pig hunting is enough for a while, how about you? But on the positive side, we have fresh wild pork now. Anyone for a barbecue?

R - E- S- P- E -C - T

Any idea how hard it is to find a c.d. with this song on it now days? Been trying for months to find it. This is my life. All I want is a little respect, this includes listening to what I'm saying and not hearing what your own interpretation(from my kids, friends and relatives. I am not a kid, I know what I want out of life. I'm 33 years old and completely capable of making my own decisions. I've been sole supporter of my household for almost 2 1/2 years. I may not be able to cut the ties with my co-dependent husband, but for the most part I make pretty good decisions. Here is the latest delimma. Example of what I mean by your own interpretation:

Me: I do NOT want the boat back in the garage. I would prefer if it were in the barn or off-site storage.

Him: I don't have a job or the money to put it in storage for $100 a month.

Me: Then, get a job.

Him: So what is your real issue with the boat, why do you hate the boat so much?

Me: I have various reasons that I hate the boat, do you want me to go down the list or just point out the already obvious?

Him: Tell me what they are.

Me: #1 When you decided you had to have the boat you had just started working and I told you that I didn't think we could afford the boat. You got it anyway, we could not afford it, you had to sell your truck. I took the blame for you having to sell the truck, because I had to have a car. Well, hell yes I had to have a car. I had a job too. Not to say the reason you had the truck in the first place is because I had been car-jacked and my car was totalled, giving us the money for the down payment on that truck. I think I had a little more interest in the truck than you did.

#2 When you were working, the 3 days a week you were off, you were constantly on that friggin' boat. Nevermind the fact that things needed to be taken care of at home, such as the yard or just plain spending time with your family. I see the boat as "the other woman".

#3 When you bring the boat home from a fishing adventure, you are very meticulous about the exterior of the boat, the motor and the trailer being completely rinsed off. What about the fish slime on the inside of the boat? When I am doing laundry and come across a hang to dry item, where does it go? On a hanger in the garage, correct? With the stench of 3 day old rotten fish slime leaching into the fibers of my clothes, because you don't take of the interior of the boat.

Him: Is it not obvious that the boat is not the problem to you?

Me: You are right, it's your attitude about the boat that is the problem. That boat is your child, your addiction, your escape.

Him: Nope, the problem is your hatred and anger.

Me: No, you are not listening, again. It is the BOAT! I do NOT want the boat at my house, I'm giving you the option of keeping the boat, just not in my garage. Boats are for the outdoors, keep it outdoors.

Him: I don't want it stored in the elements.

Me: Where is the boat when you are in it? In the elements. Not in my garage. Garages are for cars, not boats. You always wanted to park your truck in the garage, here is your chance.


AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH! This is the color of bloodshed.