NEW AND IMPROVED LIFE!

Well folks, it's been a while! Technically, my divorce was final (R-11 Agreement) and signed by the judge on August 11th. Can I get a Hallelujah?!?

My ex finally decided he wasn't doing me any favors by staying around and regardless of how poorly he treated me, I just stayed. It may have been pathetic, but vows are 'til death do you part. I was released from my vows by virtue of a final decree on September 23rd. I'm still not sure which date is technically the correct one to celebrate, but there was quite a party on the 11th of August!

I have a new man in my life now and he is fabulous! They always are in the beginning, huh? But we've been seeing each other for a while now. I still get a little "pissy" from time to time, but life is grand compared to a year ago.

I can sleep at night now and not have to worry about what I am going to wake up to. The egg shells under my feet are GONE! Being scolded for not making a decision the way he would have is a thing of the past. Free at last, free at last! I am so happy I am free at last!

I'm back

Well, here we go again with the therapy sessions. I am my own worst enemy. I am being black balled at work and I don't know what to do about it. I have proof that what they are saying I said isn't true. I even got written up for not being a team player and what they said I said was on the write up. I wouldn't sign it, because what it said I said was wrong. So they amended it and then the supervisor wrote that she changed it even though it was now wrong because this is what I had said in the previous meeting. And her supervisor even said that's what I said. I have been publicly ridiculed and publicly pretend slapped by 3rd in command in my government office because of a policy that turns out is "her rule" when she told me when all this stuff happened was a law. ???? If you can't trust 2 people to hear what actually came out of your mouth because they're too busy covering each others butts....what do you do?

I try to stand up for my rights showing reverse age discrimination and special priviledges and I get slapped down. The 3 supervisors that were in "my meeting" even said "Well, she's young and this is her first office job" about someone that isn't pulling her load. I also heard "She's improved ALOT!" Quit making excuses. When they even started suspecting that I was doing research to see what my rights were as an employee, I was building a case and there isn't any room for someone on their team for someone that would do that. So my rights as an employee do not matter? Evidently not. I feel like I am being intimidated just like the girls that sued for a certain judge to be thrown off the bench for certain unethical propositions and advances. The funny thing is that my boss was one of the people involved in that suit.

I followed my chain of command 3 steps up the chain and those supervisors completely bypassed one in the chain and went straight to HR and reported me. Why is there a chain of command in place? Why are there policies in place? Why can someone that isn't in my chain of command be present and reprimand me for something when she's not my supervisor? When I spoke to the 2nd in command, she had some pretty derogatory things to say about tensions in the department where I work and that all went out the window. It's so very frustrating and I have no clue what to do about it.

What is a friend?

Why is it that some people are okay just walking all over another person? Some people put people on the spot in front of other people and when you stand up for yourself and turn the tables, they just keep on. Does it make you a better person because you can make other people uncomfortable? Does it make you better because you possess the ability to belittle someone in front of other people? Friends are people that if they have a problem with you they talk to you and you alone about the situation, not in front of a group of people to force your hand at standing up for yourself or sitting there and taking it like a wuss. A friend is someone that although they may not agree with your viewpoint, they will listen to it and consider it. It doesn’t mean that you are wrong or they are wrong, it just means that you have different viewpoints about a situation. The ability to be able to say, you know, you may think differently than me about this, but that’s okay. I can respect that. This is a sign of maturity. Kids who may be reading this, if you think that peer pressure goes away when you’re an adult...wrong. Get used to it! It’s going to be around for a long long time. So stand your ground for what you believe in and be a leader.

Tribute

Not many people read this blog anymore, but for those of you that do, please click on the post. This is a tribute to my uncle that passed October 26, 2007. You will be in my heart forever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CRyKg5xMaXA

Back to the Affairs of the Heart

Well, I've been through round 2 of heart monitors and an echocardiogram and been back for the results. Here is a list of what has been found.

1. Sinus Rhythm Tachycardia - very mild and sporadic - also very common, lots of people have it and don't know that they have it unless they have other symptoms and it just happens to get picked up.

2. Premature Heart Beats - also very mild and sporadic, this is what is referred to as PVC's...makes me think of those plastic pipes.

3. Mitral Valve Regurgitation - mild (at this point), kinda scary sounding, but again lots of people have mitral valve problems especially women, but it's usually mitral valve prolapse due to the strain of pregnancy on the heart.

4. Aortic Valve Regurgitation - mild (again, at this point), this one perked my ears up considerably and I started doing some research on the topic. The aorta is the major artery that takes the blood from your heart to the rest of the body and the aortic valve is the one that keeps the blood from going back into your heart. Mine does not seal properly, and when it is supposed to push the blood away from my heart and into my body, it doesn't. This explains why I get tired so easily, I don't get enough oxygen to my body apparently.

I was told that the "Valve" issues that I have, while mild at this point are progressive and that I will need to be monitored. I will have to get an echocardiogram every year to see if it has gotten worse. I had two rounds of monitoring as I stated earlier. One was a brief 24 hour ekg machine that I thought was a total inconvenience, and then I got the event recorder. This I was supposed to wear for 30 days, but 2 weeks into it the sticky pads that you connect the leads to started irritating my skin. I pulled one of the sticky pads off and there was a blister underneath it, which I ripped the top off of. OUCH! The doctor told me to take it off and don't put it back on. The echocardiogram was performed after the 24 hour monitor and that wasn't so bad, it was pretty cool to watch my heart in action, although I kept seeing some stuff I didn't think should be happening, blue where red should be and vice versa. Of course, I went into this thinking that all of the symptoms that I was experiencing were in my head, turns out I was right, they are in my heart. So, here's what I've been thinking. If this is a progressive thing, is it going to affect all the valves of my heart eventually? Are the ones that it already affects going to worsen? For the latter question, the answer is probably. What is the fix? Valve repair/replacement surgery, eventually. As long as they are not progressing rapidly, I could live for 20 years with bad valves. Stress irritates the "condition". Why is that? I have got to find an outlet for my stress and my ANGER. ANGER being in all caps, because there's a lot of it and it's a big problem. When I become angry it is not pretty, not like middle school angry, "I don't like you anymore, you're not my friend!" I want for people to disappear. I can feel my blood pressure rise and hear my heart beat, and that is when the "flutter" in my chest happens and then it feels like my heart stops, then it starts back and beats really fast to catch up. This is what we have been trying to catch on the monitors, but it doesn't happen while I'm on the monitor. Why? Because the monitor itself is a visual reminder to everyone around me that there is something going on with my ticker. No one wants to be the reason that a person has a heart attack, now do they? Who could live with that guilt? So......basically, my heart valves are going to get worse and I'm going to suffocate from lack of oxygen without anyone elses assistance. And I thought the doctors were going to tell me nothing was wrong and I spent all that money on testing for nothing, on one hand. On the other hand.....it's not near as bad as it could have been. I don't have to have open heart surgery....not today anyway.

Memories Not Worth Remembering

A few months ago something extremely horrific happened and it was a memory that I put away somewhere in the "confines of the unknown" inside my brain. A memory I would much rather have just vanished instead of temporarily abstaining from the storage facility inside my head.

I have recently been going through some trying times with my husband, yet again. I did something that I truly regret having done and have expressed my sincere remorse for having done so.....I will admit what I did.

In a fit of anger, while being restrained, I head butted him in the mouth and busted his lip. This is a topic that keeps coming up. Have you ever heard the term "beating a dead horse?" That is what keeps happening. Every topic that he has to discuss is something that he can't get past. Finances, state of the house...me being an abusive person. I hit him, I did and there is no excuse for putting your hands on another person. I can't justify what I did and I will not attempt to do so.

Background done...back to the main topic....repressed memories.

For some reason while the husband was emotionally draining me yet again for my actions, I was able to stay amazingly calm and say: "You know people make mistakes. People "flub" up, that's just what we do. I'm not perfect, I won't even try to lie and say that I am, but don't sit there on your self righteous high horse and act like you've never done anything to me that would be completely life changing in my views of you.....and I haven't brought it up since the night that it happened."

Yes people, I actually forgot that it had happened. How can someone that has done what he tried to do to me while I was sleeping think that me hitting him one time is such an awful thing? I am faced almost daily with the thing that I did to him. People asking me what happened and why, because he called the cops on me and then someone leaked it out and EVERYONE at the sherrif's department knows him, because he used to work there, but you know, I'm sure he never had to publicly face what he did to me....you know why? I didn't call the police, I dealt with it, myself, instead of having someone else face the fight for me. God, I wish that I hadn't remembered this because now it's all that I can think of.

JUST A WEEE BIT SCARED!

For years I have been having heart palpitations. Brought it to the doctor's attention a long time ago, they stuck these things on me and hooked me up to a machine that read my heart rhythms (EKG) and said, "Nope, your ticker is fine." Well, they were few and far between back then. Now I am having them almost daily and am going to see a cardiologist today. Heart disease is rampant in my family (paternally) and I'm just like my dad. Have his temper and everything. It's one of those double edged sword things. I don't want anything to be wrong, but I do want them to find something so that I know that this thing in my chest feeling like an alien trying to force its way out isn't in my mind. I don't even have to be doing anything. I was sitting in a chair last night kinda dozing, but it started happening, so I woke up. I didn't tell my husband anything about it until yesterday and he's trying to be supportive, but thinks I'm over-reacting. It's my heart. How could I be over-reacting? I didn't even cook yesterday. The kids had left over pizza and I just sat in a chair all night, afraid to move for fear of a heart attack. I don't help matters any by smoking (talking to doctor today about stopping with the aid of that new medication), and being over-weight (perhaps a thyroid conditions, because I don't snack except for the occasional just gotta have some chocolate, and the fact that I have to clean out my hair brush EVERY day due to hair loss). You would think that I would be completely bald by now, but I'm not. I have TOO much hair. We'll see what he says. Keep me in your prayers, even if you aren't a believer in that sort of thing, what could it hurt?